“OUCH!!!” copyright 2011

“OUCH!!!” copyright 2011

                                  

                                                      By: Diane Rose Road

DISCLAIMOR: While the following series was not written as a critique of any individual(s), nor has it been written with any specific person or people in mind; still the subject matter found herein can assuredly not be considered widely “palatable” for the masses.

I believe that it will take a person with no small supply of internal maturity, regardless of age, who possesses a strong love of the truth; and by extension; who at a minimum, has a healthy respect for, (if not appreciation of) truth tellers wherever they may be found. Any reader who actually possesses a hunger for truth will inevitably be that one who is able to glean the most from all that follows.

I think it should be clearly established at the outset, that I have personally learned most, if not all of what is about to be discussed, the hard way.  I genuinely believe that there are those who are far wiser than I who not only can, but will learn by the mistakes of others (my own included) how to avoid many of the pitfalls of life that I, and others like me managed to trip over. It is to that desired end, that I am publishing this work.

As a piece of personal insight into what could possibly motivate anyone to write a series of articles such as these, I would like to offer up the following in the hope that it will somehow act as a sort of buffer to anything seen to be critical and unkind in its direct approach to difficult subject matter.

In the unfolding of the hours, days, weeks, months, years, and events that made up my childhood, I learned in no uncertain terms, through her words and deeds that I was somehow something less than what my mother had hoped for. Even more than this I came to believe myself to be the very embodiment of her personal “disappointment” at the inability to give birth to her own personal hopes and dreams.  

I came to believe that I was the very personification of that failure, and by extension that I was as a human being, a failure.  I could do virtually nothing to her satisfaction.  To my mother, I had virtually no true or accurate thought.  I never at any time was the recipient of any words of affirmation, love, or kindness from her, and so I came to believe that I was someone that “not even a mother could love”.

I therefore made it my purpose in life, in at least the entirety of my first eighteen years (and to a lessening degree in the years that followed) to earn my mothers love.  If I could accomplish just this one thing, then I could earn the right to breathe the same air she breathed.  I could then, at last without shame come into her presence and just be me; and that would finally be considered a good thing. 

In time, a lot of it, I did eventually figure out that what I had done was to set myself up to be nothing more or less than the sum of the opinions of my mother, and by extension those of all of the other (somehow less flawed) people that I encountered in everyday life.  I came to believe that if I could somehow reach perfection, then I deserved (had earned) the right to be.

The “right” to simply “be” was in my mind based entirely upon the opinions of others. The most glaringly obvious problem with a life goal such as mine was that there are as many opinions as to what is right and what is wrong, what is good and what is bad, as there are people.  Only compounding this problematic life philosophy is the fact that no one ever says “This is what I believe, but I could be wrong!” Of course not!  What they say instead (even if without words) is: “This is what I believe and therefore, based upon nothing more than that I believe it… Certainly it must be true; I wouldn’t believe it otherwise!”  I had in effect unwittingly subscribed to a sort of “new math” that looks like this: If mom always = Correctness and Accuracy, Beauty, and Goodness, and all things Witty and Wise, then; Mom’s Opinions and Assertions = Truth - Always!

Please consider all of this to be the foundation from which I proceed into this series of publications. Please know too, that all future works born out of this series do not attempt to judge or condemn; nor do I stand in judgment over anyone for their own personal life mistakes that were, like mine, based upon faulty beliefs.  I speak as one who has walked out over the past 52 years of my life, the results of making a “false truth”, my plum line and guide.

We are in life, I have come to believe; the compiled sum of many factors.  Some of these are genetic, and some are learned; some things are without question inflicted upon us, while others are (often without our knowing it) simply the compiled consequences of the choices that we personally make whether for the good, or to our ultimate hardship and harm.

  

A few Basic Questions:

What motivates you?

What is that inner thing that drives you on?

What are your core beliefs about yourself?

How did you come by these beliefs?

And;

How do these “Truths and False Truths” look as they play out in our day to day lives?

There remains one even bigger question.  Giving genuine thought and consideration to this question and then honestly answering could only prove enormously valuable to us in shining light into the dark places in our hearts, minds, and ultimately all of our lives.

The question: Would you hire yourself to run your life going forward, if that decision were based entirely and exclusively upon the sum of your personal beliefs, choices, decisions and actions thus far?

I wonder if we can even begin to get our minds wrapped around how few of us would be able to answer in the affirmative to that question.  Truth be told, it’s even worse than this. 

The reality is, that if we had been called upon to regularly dip into our own wallets, bank accounts, and life savings to pay for the services of a financial planner; life coach,  bookkeeper, accountant, personal trainer, nanny, housekeeper, chef, yard maintenance, landscaper, animal trainer, automobile repair & maintenance service, etc.; many of us would survey the consistency, reliability, and quality, (or lack of these things things) in our own body of “works” in these functions and shriek out a resounding “Your Fired!!!” to anyone who had performed so poorly as we have in their day to day actions (on our “behalf”) in all that we had put in their trust.

And now, before things begin to look up, it actually gets even worse than all of this:  If we now pause for just one moment, and take a truthful, no joke, no excuses made, hard look at reality, we actually have for all of these years regularly dipped into our own lives future and potential to pay for the ways that we either have, or have not tended to all of these things. All too often, we find ourselves severely lacking in the many details of how we have managed our own lives.

 Is it possible that somewhere along the line we have unknowingly picked up beliefs and attitudes toward ourselves, and by extension, all that is in our care; which for whatever our reasons, tell on our internal belief systems?  They say that we don’t like ourselves enough to consider our lives to be worthy of any better care and treatment than we have given them?

If we had for whatever the number of years represented by our age, been paying others to perform all of the aforementioned services on our behalf and these individuals had been found so profoundly lacking in their duties, I am unsure that we could find many sane people who would merely do a little side shuffle with their feet and mumble “Oh Shucks!  Better luck next time!” 

Most of us would feel a sense of moral outrage at having been so poorly looked after, in all of the things entrusted them on our behalf. After all, they had been very well paid for their “services”.

So then, while still being extremely honest with ourselves in this rather harsh look at reality; what do we suppose to have been our day by day thought processes in having so poorly looked after and cared for our own best interests? 

Why, for example did we marry that one, and then walk away in most cases, knowing full well that we did not give it our best effort, only to remarry a different version of the same person and find that we were once again facing the exact same set of hurdles, obstacles, circumstances and daily struggles that we thought we had left behind?

Why, do we suppose that we keep having to retaking the same “tests” over and over in life? On the job, why does there always seem to be that one in the crowd who is for us exactly like sandpaper on a baby’s bottom?  They seem to exist only for the sole purpose of humbling us. Who told them that it was their job in life to rub off all our unpolished edges anyway?  Anyone would suppose that they were the king of the world and not merely our boss!

For the purposes of opening up the internal dialog in our own minds, I am going to offer up the following list of possible issues to look for in our attitudes and beliefs.  This is by no means to be considered a comprehensive or all inclusive list of such things, but is to be looked at as a few of the life leaches that literally suck the power out of all efforts made on behalf of our own best interests in life.

 

 What if we begin by simply working toward gradual but consistent change in some of our longest held and most destructive mindsets? What if we isolated some of these beliefs, which have created the greatest havoc in our lives so far, and made a concerted effort at addressing them?

As we look at the lists below, in order to insure that we are being truly honest with ourselves, lets answer each question first through our own understanding, and then answer a second time based only on the sum of the opinions verbalized to us over the years. 

For example, if we would call ourselves loving, kind, patient, and infinitely accessible people, but the preponderance of public opinion in our lives thus far, has in most situations considered us harsh – hard – sharp, and pressing then we might logically decide to acknowledge that we at least “may” be struggling with being a bit self-centered and self absorbed.

This self analysis is not pleasant, not fun, and just plain not what most of us would choose to do with our day, but if we are honest with ourselves we know that it is entirely  necessary in order to see any real and lasting change for the better in our lives. 

I for one now freely confess that there is a great deal of work left to be done in me.  We are all a work in progress; that is of course, if we choose progress!

Please print the questionnaires below and circle anything that you can honestly see as a possible problem area in your life. The first set of questions will pertain to your attitudes about, and treatment of yourself and the second series of questions will address your treatment of others, and therefore your attitudes toward them in light of your opinions about yourself; whether for the good of all concerned, or to the ultimate destruction of even your own best interests in the tearing down of your relationships with others.

Question - Are you kind to, and consistently attentive to your own life sustaining needs, as well as to those day to day actions that make for a better, more fruitful, and more fulfilled life?

 

Are you:

Unhealthy?  Overweight? A Smoker? A Heavy Drinker? A regular over the counter drug user? An illegal drug user?  Critical?  Self Absorbed?, Harsh?,  “Hard Headed?”, Sharp Tongued?, Pressing?, Flaky?, Unreliable?, Inconsistent?, Compulsively Late or Rushed?, Lazy?, Messy?, Apathetic?, Overly Emotional?, Stubborn?, Unbending?, Unyielding?, Emotionally Unavailable?, Easily Offended?, Pouty?,  Unforgiving?, Rude?, Loud?, Usually seeking to be the center of attention at most public events?, Insecure?, Impatient?, Unkind?, Haughty?, Self-Righteous?, Opinionated?, Puffed Up?, Judgmental?, “Always Right?”, Always seem to “Know a better way of doing things than do those around you?”

                                                                                                        

Do you:

Like yourself? Do you suffer with either occasional or regular “bouts of depression?” Routinely Exercise? Get a minimum of 7 hours sleep a night? Eat more fast-food, and processed foods percentage wise in every day than those consumed in their natural state such as fruits, vegetables, eggs, etc.? Take time to relax: Read a Book, or engage in any healthy hobbies or pastimes that you enjoy? Immediately turn on the television, stereo; log onto the computer to check your mail, catch up on all of your “social networking”, play computer games, surf the net, start calling all your family and friends, etc., so that there is never for even a moment in your life, any sign of actual stillness, calm, or peace? 

Do you endeavor at all costs to insure that there is never an unoccupied “mind moment” in which to stop and ponder the condition of your life, health, and happiness? Over promise your time and energies until there is no time left for tending to your own needs?  Rehearse and replay negative self talk in your mind? Speak negatively about yourself to others and about others? Feel the need to be in a relationship in order to feel fulfilled in life? Bounce into and out of relationships with the changing of the calendar pages? Find yourself getting angry at these questions?

  

Question - Are you kind to, and considerate of others?

Are you:

Critical?  Self Absorbed?, Harsh?, “Hard Headed?”, Sharp Tongued?, Pressing?, Flaky?, Unreliable?, Inconsistent?, Compulsively Late or Rushed?, Lazy?, Messy?, Apathetic?, Overly Emotional?, Stubborn?, Unbending?, Unyielding?, Emotionally Unavailable?, Easily Offended?, Pouty?,  Unforgiving?, Rude?, Loud?, Usually seeking to be the center of attention at most public events?, Insecure?, Impatient?, Unkind?, Haughty?, Self-Righteous?, Opinionated?, A Gossip? Puffed Up? Judgmental? “Always Right?” Always seem to “Know a better way of doing things?” Thinking at this very moment about how many of these attributes apply to others in your life besides yourself?

Do you:

Show up to work late and leave early?, Speed?, Tailgate?, Regularly cut others off in traffic because you are talking on your cell phone, texting, adjusting your music, or just not paying attention to what you are doing?, Disregard the Law?, Demonstrate “Road Rage?” Often seem to elicit “Road Rage” in others?, Talk over people in conversations and just keep going even when they try to jump in?, Ignore when others speak, or change the subject when they do speak to one that interests or centers on you?, e.g., Someone tells you that they have a terrible headache, and your response is,” I have had a migraine for over a week now”, Dominate most conversations?, Regularly forget and/or lack follow through on commitments made?, Overlook, or Disregard important dates such as Birthdays, Anniversary’s and other important events throughout the year?, Hold Grudges?, Routinely break promises?, Routinely “Remember Promises Differently” than others remember them?, Make Excuses for Yourself?

“Turn out that light!”

For those of us who have lived our lives in a sort of dark and hidden away place in our own minds; having withdrawn ourselves at least emotionally from the society, or more specifically from those in it who we feel have inflicted pain on us; none of what we have discussed can have been easy to look at in ourselves. 

 

Having in one way or another come to believe that we are the only ones who at the end of the day, really care about our personal hopes, fears, and dreams; many of us simply “opt out” of even the concept of trusting anyone else to genuinely care about us. Why on earth then, we ask ourselves, would we ever intentionally allow anyone close enough to see our weaknesses and flaws, let alone invite them to assist us in overcoming them? In our minds, the exposure of our flaws and frailties leaves us open to the danger of being hurt again.  We have come to find solace in the dark and hidden away places that we have constructed for ourselves.

In much the same way that our eyes become adjusted to the darkness in our rooms when we sleep, we have become adjusted over the years to be more comfortable alone in this darkness than when we feel somehow exposed by the light.  If someone were to thoughtlessly enter our room in the middle of the night without warning, and very definitely without invitation; what would be our immediate reaction?  Well, if it were merely a thoughtless family member who entered the room to retrieve something they needed, our immediate reaction would likely be to cover our now watering eyes, and shout at them to “turn out that light!” 

What then if turning the light on in our minds and our belief systems is for us now the equivalent of going back into those dark and hidden away places that we have created and finding that part of ourselves that has given up hope?  What if we decided to entertain the idea that light does not have to equal exposure, pain, and danger?  What if we were to shift our personal paradigms to include the possibility that in the same way that food, water, and sunlight are essential to the growth of any blooming or flowering thing; likewise all of these elements are essential to cultivating our own lives and the fruitful gardens in our future?